“Don’t attempt to commit suicide. Take good care of yourself. Thanks for making me feel what first love feels like.”
“Thank you also.. I’m sorry.. I’m really sorry… I know and I won’t.. Goodbye.”
That was our last conversation before we broke up. I admit, I’ve tried to commit suicide four times. Because I felt that I was never noticed, I was never loved and I never believed in God.
All of that changed when I met you.
You changed the way I think of myself. You love me for who I am. You treated me like I’m your world. You made me believe that there is God. That He’s always watching over us.
The way you smile. The way you laugh. The way you hug and kiss me. That’s the time I told myself that I was so blessed to have met you.
We were like twins, always together. Sometimes your colleagues and oh.. also my colleagues (haha) sulked because we never got the chance to go have fun with them. On our first anniversary, you made a box full of our pictures together. It was lovely. I wanted to keep it, but we were both afraid that our parents might find out about us. We weren’t ready.
There was this time you were ready to give up on us because you knew that we’d never last, but I insisted. Why? Because you’re the only person who believed that I could do everything. You were the only person in my world during that time. I didn’t want to lose you. I didn’t want to go back to being alone ever again.
That time I saw you cry for the first time. I cried. Still, we decided to continue our discreet relationship.
On the second year of us being together, it was exactly 2 months before our 2nd anniversary, I fell out of love. You were busy with stuff that you’re passionate with. You forgot what we’d planned, our dates and others. At first, I totally understood that. I didn’’t want you to stop what you’re doing but our time being together lessened. I also joined organizations to keep myself busy. I did my best but I failed and I quit because I realized that I’m not good at it.
We talked about the status of our relationship. We did our best to make us still work. And.. We celebrated our second anniversary.
-Nine Months and Fifteen Days-
During this time, I’ve been thinking about ending our relationship. I was hurt whenever I knew that you cry in the church every Sunday. Hearing the pastor’s preach hurt your beautiful heart. When your parents asked your whereabouts, you lied because you wanted to be with me a bit longer. I know deep inside you, you’re hurt.. You’re in pain. You don’t deserve it.. I’m really sorry.
A month before our 3rd anniversary, I broke up with you. I cried. A lot. I kept saying “I’m sorry.”.
You hugged me and said “It’s okay, we knew already that it would end up like this. Don’t cry.”
At first, you were holding back your tears. But you also cried. We talked about all the good things that happened. All the things that changed us on how we grew up maturely..
Before I left your house, we had a closure of our relationship. I don’t know why but the pain that I’m enduring at my chest lessen.
I know it’s hard to move on. But at least, we should do our best to move forward. We’re still young. We’ll find the right one for us in time.
It has been a month now since we broke up. I don’t cry anymore every morning and night, at buses & jeeps, at my workstation and inside the comfort room. I’m doing my best to be okay and to be optimistic again. I have a lot of friends now that supports and guide me everyday. I always pray now before I eat. I pray to God every night. Thank you for all the lessons that you taught me. Thank you so much for the love and support my first love. -L-